Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
I wanted to bath in the anger and resentment. I wanted revenge for the injustices and bitterness began to take hold. It gave me energy. Adrenaline flowed through every blood vessel and made my fingers tingle. My mind became focused and vocal. It screamed the things I wanted to say. It played out all the possible ways I could make my point of view known. And then You spoke to me: Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
It wasn’t enough. I wanted blood. Justice my way. You replied: When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”
I didn’t care. I wanted to throw anything I could get my hands on.
Then I heard You: “Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog s***.”
The beauty of the park to come to mind. I began to think on the lovely, pure, noble and admirable things, on the excellent and praiseworthy.
My heart is calmer, my fingers do not bristle with electricity flowing through them. My head does not scream unspoken words. I wish I could say I don’t still think those words. I wish I could say that I only think about the lovely and praiseworthy things You have done in my life. I wish I could look up and stay focused on Your beauty and creation. Your healing is coming and You are with me in the meantime.
I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.
I’ve been having a revelation recently about everything under the sun. My conclusions are it’s meaningless.
The little that I can do or achieve here on earth for good is actually of very little importance. I could create or be a part of shiny lovely, neatly packaged projects in Your name: mission teams, youth groups, outreach events. But You can do anything and everything without me. You are the Creator God. Your creations are more beautiful, more perfect, more complex than anything I can concieve or imagine. You don’t need my help to achieve Your will.
You care more about how I work for You, how I love Your people. The condition of my heart is more important to You. Do I trust You with every ounce of my life? Do I have faith that You can do anything? Do I walk boldly and take risks for You in light of my faith? Do I love You more than anything and all else in the whole world? Do I love Your people wholly and unconditionally? Do I follow Your commandments and claim Your promises?
What does my heart look like to You?
I’ve been blown away by some of the posts in this blog:
Jesus replied, ” No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
I handed You control of my life and You took it.. am I silly enough to ask for some control back now that I don’t know the path it will take? Why was it okay to give You my all when I thought I knew the plan? Why can’t I trust the all powerful Maker and Creator of this beautiful world and the wonderful expanse of the galaxy? Why isn’t the knowledge of Your perfect attention to detail in all that You have made enough for me to let You lead and to trust You? All that I have done, made or created is riddled with mistakes and faults.. the muffins that were soggy, the undergraduate thesis that had spelling mistakes, the pasta sauce that had no taste, the cushion cover with a missing popper, the washed car that still has marks on it, the friendships that have been forgotten or haven’t been nurtured, birthdays that have been missed, promises that have been broken, time that has been wasted, opportunities missed, careless words spoken in haste or anger. Nothing I’ve done compares to Your perfection. Yet I still doubt whether You will do a better job with my life than I will?
‘I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed, what God has planned. I only know at His right hand stands one who is my Saviour.’
There are times I think, ‘I can’t do this anymore’, and just when I’m ready to give up, each and every time I’ve felt despair setting in, You’ve provided someone. A phone call, an email or someone to share a pot of tea with. Each and everytime.
I know You’re in control, I know Your plans are greater, but I have this fear that You are planning on developing patience in abundance? That before it will be built up, You will wipe out all that is not of You in my life. Sometimes there seems to be so much. Will I face my version of trials that Job did? You won’t give me more than I can handle?