Heart Condition

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Psalm 40v8
I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.

I’ve been having a revelation recently about everything under the sun. My conclusions are it’s meaningless.

The little that I can do or achieve here on earth for good is actually of very little importance. I could create or be a part of shiny lovely, neatly packaged projects in Your name: mission teams, youth groups, outreach events. But You can do anything and everything without me. You are the Creator God. Your creations are more beautiful, more perfect, more complex than anything I can concieve or imagine. You don’t need my help to achieve Your will.

You care more about how I work for You, how I love Your people. The condition of my heart is more important to You. Do I trust You with every ounce of my life? Do I have faith that You can do anything? Do I walk boldly and take risks for You in light of my faith? Do I love You more than anything and all else in the whole world? Do I love Your people wholly and unconditionally? Do I follow Your commandments and claim Your promises?

What does my heart look like to You?

Control and Perfection

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Jesus replied, ” No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9v62

I handed You control of my life and You took it.. am I silly enough to ask for some control back now that I don’t know the path it will take? Why was it okay to give You my all when I thought I knew the plan? Why can’t I trust the all powerful Maker and Creator of this beautiful world and the wonderful expanse of the galaxy? Why isn’t the knowledge of Your perfect attention to detail in all that You have made enough for me to let You lead and to trust You? All that I have done, made or created is riddled with mistakes and faults.. the muffins that were soggy, the undergraduate thesis that had spelling mistakes, the pasta sauce that had no taste, the cushion cover with a missing popper, the washed car that still has marks on it, the friendships that have been forgotten or haven’t been nurtured, birthdays that have been missed, promises that have been broken, time that has been wasted, opportunities missed, careless words spoken in haste or anger. Nothing I’ve done compares to Your perfection. Yet I still doubt whether You will do a better job with my life than I will?

My Saviour’s always there for me.

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‘I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed, what God has planned. I only know at His right hand stands one who is my Saviour.’
[Dora Greenwell]

There are times I think, ‘I can’t do this anymore’, and just when I’m ready to give up, each and every time I’ve felt despair setting in, You’ve provided someone. A phone call, an email or someone to share a pot of tea with. Each and everytime.

I know You’re in control, I know Your plans are greater, but I have this fear that You are planning on developing patience in abundance? That before it will be built up, You will wipe out all that is not of You in my life.  Sometimes there seems to be so much. Will I face my version of trials that Job did? You won’t give me more than I can handle?

Hope & Purpose

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This morning I spent an amazing two hours in a learning centre of Roma children in Kosova. If children here aren’t registered for school by the time they are 8 they have to pass a test to get in… A little tricky if you’ve never been to school to learn to read and write in the first place!

What a blessing to share in a little of  what’s going on there. The centre teaches Maths, English and Albanian to Roma children over 8 to prepare them for the entrance test. This week they had their test and all the children who sat it are now enrolled for school in September!

Today I taught Maths in Albanian to small groups of children. I had all the basic words I needed in my limited vocabulary. God is good in preparing us in the just the right way ahead of time.

I’ve been praying for insight, wisdom and discernment in where and how He wants me to serve Him. My heart sang a loud and joyful song this morning whilst I was at the school. It has been heavy for a long time with the burden of an education system that just doesn’t to meet the needs of the children here. Empowering teachers to do more? Being a stepping stone to get those who are marginalised in to the system? Supporting those who are in it to achieve the best they can? Lead Lord, I will follow.

Psalm 25v4-5
Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by Your truth and teach me, for You are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in You.

Strength

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Today my muscles feel jelly-like. I’m away from ‘home’ and it’s been two weeks since I was at the gym. How does so much effort in Spin classes and Body Balance disappear so quickly?  I heard recently that muscle tone gained from exercising at the gym can disappear in just 9 days? If I was a body builder that might not be totally true but it feels true enough at my level.

Despite my outward body, my heart feels strong. My faith has had its own work out with You as my personal trainer. My hope has become bigger and more defined. If life were a set of weights to be lifted again and again, with You standing by incase I drop them, I feel strengthened from the one to one sessions we’ve had these last four weeks.

I hope and pray this is a lifestyle change and not a whimsical, impulsive reaction to present difficulties. Lead me Lord, train me and strengthen me more so I may fight the good fight and finish the race well.

2 Cor 12v9
My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness. 

Pure Joy

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I have been listening to the wise counsel of wise friends who know You well. I am blessed with so many people to talk to.  I don’t know where You are leading me, but I know You are leading. In the midst of the confusion I am filled with joy, pure joy, because You love me enough to lead me, because You have a plan that is bigger and more perfect than anything I can imagine, because You are changing me and making me more like You.

James 1v2-3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.